12 long days

It's been 12 long days since I've posted. 12 long, draining, emotionally exhausting, life changing days.
One week ago today, a beautiful soul went to be with her husband and son in Heaven. I spent 40+ hours a week with this special woman. She had a very full, wonderful life and I am so very thankful she is no longer having to endure discomfort and at times pain. But I miss her so very much. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I will figure it out. I always do. But for now, I am just kind of feeling lost.

On a positive note, I am still chugging away (not literally) at my weight loss. I've lost 22 pounds so far. Last Friday, I looked at myself naked ewwww and I was shocked!!! I can see visible changes. There are less rolls and things are starting to go back to where they belong. 22 pounds doesn't seem like a huge amount when I still have 30 to go to my goal weight, but it's starting to make a difference. I measured myself last Friday as well. I've lost 3 inches off of my waist, 3 off of my hips, 1 from my arms, and 2 from my thigh.

I took a picture yesterday for "Transformation Tuesday":

HOLY HELL!!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me I was THAT big. I am pretty sure I swallowed a damn Christmas tree and it's stuck in my cheeks!! Never again. Never.AGAIN!!! 

I hate my guts.

So I'm not sure how many people actually read this, but I thought today I would post about getting healthy while battling an Auto-Immune Disease. Hi, My name is Misty, and I have Crohn's disease. Yes, Crohn's is an actual disease. Yes, it is much more than a "stomach ache". No, I do not shit myself daily. No, having an Auto-Immune Disease does not mean I have the HIV virus or AIDS. No, I do not have my colon. And no, I do not have a colostomy bag.

Maybe I should start by explaining what Crohn's disease is. Crohn's disease is an Inflammatory Bowel Disease or an IBD. It is also an Auto-Immune Disease. So in simple terms it means that my immune system is constantly attacking itself and the attack happens within my gastrointestinal tract causing inflammation and swelling along with severe pain. It also causes joint pain, fatigue, fevers, nausea, bitchiness, weight loss, weight gain. Sound like a party? It totally is NOT.

In the past when I've tried to lose weight, it's been difficult because of not only my lack of motivation, but also fear. It's very hard to try to work around things that cause stomach cramps and regular trips to the bathroom. Since I got sick in 2003, I've found what works and what doesn't by trial and error. So this time around with my weight loss journey, I knew I wanted it. Just didn't know how long it would last. Salad and raw veggies are hard on the intestines. They are hard for a normal body to break down, so someone that doesn't have a colon, it's THAT much harder. And everyone knows that part of dieting and eating well includes a ton of veggies. Meal replacement shakes are out of the question. I might as well live in the bathroom if I attempt that route.

I do fluctuate by at least 3 pounds in my weight. I always retain a lot of water. And some foods and sodium make me balloon up. Working out is hard some days. The fatigue I experience is indescribable. I can sleep for 9 hours a night, and wake up feeling like I've slept 1. 3 out of 7 days, I wake up with nausea. I eat and get stomach cramps. So you can see that there is always some excuse why I just shouldn't work out.

I am really learning to work through the pain. To step up and do it anyways. To eat salad, and veggies and work with what I've been dealt. I know that on top of being smaller, I will be healthy. I will hopefully retrain my guts to work with me and not against me. I will learn to stop being crabby just because I don't feel good, and that if I am in a bad mood, lace up my shoes and go run it off. Life hasn't been kind to me in the health department. I am however, thankful that I am alive. Thankful to have a second chance. Thankful that I get to watch my kids grow, and spend everyday with my husband. So I will do WHATEVER it takes to stay healthy and strong and ALIVE for them. I refuse to succumb to my shitty circumstances (pun intended)

So that's why I hate my guts!

Happy Friday all!!! (all 2 of you that read this that is)

Mission Impossible? Nah...

I went home from work yesterday with every intention of starting some weight training last night. And then I got home and realized I was EXHAUSTED from the mentally draining day at work. So I put laundry away, cleaned the spare room, and ate dinner and went to bed. I was asleep by 9:30. Woke up this morning and was pissed off because I hadn't worked out. That's when it hit me today. I NEED to set some goals. I need to hold myself more accountable. So here they are:

1. Get up and workout before I go to work. No excuses. Up at 6 am everyday, except for Sunday's.
2. Stop weighing myself everyday. Only on Friday's from now on.
3. Create a workout schedule.
4. Stop making excuses.
5. 20 pounds lost by 5/17/2013.
6. 30 pounds lost by 6/17/2013.

These are all very attainable goals. Like I have said plenty of times before, I want this. No more excuses.

Is this for real?!?!

When I started this weight loss journey in March, I HONESTLY thought that I would be able to hang for a week or so and then give up. Just the same as I had 200 times before. In the past 4 years, I've tried cutting soda, tried Weight Watchers, joined the YMCA...you name it, I tried it. Nothing worked. I blamed it on Matt's eating habits, I blamed it on being too busy, I blamed it on how expensive healthy foods where. I blamed it on everything under the sun. When in fact, I was unmotivated. I didn't want it bad enough. I didn't care honestly. I liked my cupcakes and I sure as hell wasn't going to give them up. When I stepped on that scale and it read 182, something clicked. I was sad. I was disgusted. I was ashamed. And most certainly I was ANGRY with myself for ever letting it get that out of control. Now I know that there are some that were/are bigger than 182. I am not comparing myself to others. I am talking about how I felt in that moment. 182 IS big for someone that is only 5'2" and up until 2008, only weighed 110 max. (minus the 2 pregnancies, and the year long Prednisone hell) I used to be so cocky, and arrogant in my thought process. I used to say "I don't have fat potential", or "I am just a small person with a high metabolism". Well those words sure as shit bit me in my fat ass. The fact is, I do have fat potential. I proved that without a shadow of a doubt.

I have had many, many, many things happen to me medically, and so I was scared that this weight loss would never happen for me. That my body was beyond the point of no return. But I can PROUDLY say that that is not the case. It is happening. And it's happening faster than I ever thought would be possible. Some days, I get deflated and feel that it's not happening fast enough. But as of yesterday, this happened:

Wait...what does that say???? 163.8???? Does that REALLLLLLY mean that I am 1.2 pounds away from 20 pounds lost? Does that mean that if I lose those 1.2 pounds by the 17th, that I've lost 20 pounds in 2 months?? You bet your sweet ass it does!!!! And look my toes are painted!! :) I still have 30 pounds to go until my goal of 130, but now that goal feels more tangible. Like I can really get there.

 I do want to say thank you to all of my cheerleaders. My family and friends, and even some strangers that cheer me on daily. Losing weight is hard work. It's a full time job (someone should really pay me. Just sayin') counting calories, resisting temptation and laziness, working out, prepping, etc. It's all a lot of work, and can be mentally draining, but this chick is in for the duration!! 

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To the windowwwwwww....to the wall.

Totally just sang that song in my head as I was typing it.
And yep...I've hit yet another wall. Been sitting at 169.0 for over a week and a half. Booooooo!!! Correction- I lost .6 pounds in a week and a half.
I know why though, and it's 100% my fault. I haven't been pushing myself to work out lately. I find every excuse in the book not too. And usually it's that I am tired. It's very very hard to do this weight loss thing, on top of having a disease that drains your energy. But excuses are like...well ya know. Time to push harder. Who cares if I am tired. I am always tired so working out isn't going to kill me. Time to step up my game, and stop with the excuses.
I plan on throwing some weights in a few nights a week on top of cardio.
I am still eating really well. I did find some coconut m&m's in my cupboard the other night. I let myself have 12. And then last night I went and got some healthy snacks. No more candy!!!!

I keep saying it, and I will say it again. I am more determined to lose this weight than I have been in a very long time. The fact that I know it can be done, that I have tasted a smidge of the results, keeps me going.
So time for my Greek yogurt and banana! Happy Thursday everyone!